13 Things To Talk About Before Marriage
When my husband and I got married we met with an older couple that our Pastors had set us up with to go through a series of marriage counselling. We were actually shocked at the amount of things people don’t talk about before they get married. People just don’t communicate about what incredibly important things that will help not only set you up for marriage in the short term, but in the long term as well. So here are 13 things you must talk about before you get married (or even before engagement).
1.) Before Marriage Talk About Debt – They say money is the root of all evil + it’s the leading cause of divorce. How to alleviate this – communicate it. Talk about your assets and liabilities before you come together to join finances. Even beyond this talk about your monthly expenses, shopping habits, or anything that may catch each other off guard once you come together with your finances.
2.) Before Marriage Talk About Are you walking in at 100% .. you cannot have one person at 50% and the other at 100%. If you aren’t at 100% talk about the things you are hesitant about, or do some self reflection of why you aren’t at 100%. Once you say I do you cannot go back, and you don’t want to have regrets of not having figured it out ahead of time. If you aren’t 100%, take a pause and wait. It’s better to delay a marriage than to end up making the wrong decision.
3.) Before Marriage Talk About How many kids do you want, adoption? Timeline? Infertility? Vision for the future. Is there flexibility? You do not want to end up walking into marriage with two different and separate views of what the future looks like. I actually talk to so many people who don’t discuss this and they have been dating someone for months, don’t make this mistake. It just leads to one person making a sacrifice that may end up in bitterness and resentment down the road.
4.) Before Marriage Talk About 5- 10 year timeline (career, relocation, education etc) – who/what are you willing to compromise or not. Relationships require compromise, but it cannot be one person making all the compromises. So talk “individually” about where you see your future so you aren’t adapting your future around someone who may have completely different ideals for the future, but actually seeing if you align, and where you are flexible in.
5.) Before Marriage Talk About Energy (Extrovert/Introvert) – how do they react around other people, your friends etc Are they always trying to keep you from your friends? Do you thrive around people and they thrive having alone time? Talk about it. It’s good to be different, but it’s also good to understand these things so you don’t get disappointed down the road when they want to stay at home alone but you want to go out, you can understand their needs and vice versa and figure out how you can serve both of your needs together rather than getting frustrated.
6.) Before Marriage Talk About Religion/Faith/- fundamental core beliefs – do you share them? – what are your deal breakers? how does this play apart of your weekly lives, and yearly lives? What about holidays?
7.) Before Marriage Talk About How you handle conflict – do you shut down, get aggressive, need space etc and what do you need when someone upsets you? Understanding your needs and being able to express them helps you be more patient and give grace when something comes up.
8.) Before Marriage Talk About Sexual Compatibility- Boundaries. Consent, Sexual Traumas – from the past. Have open discussions. Ensuring you are respecting each others boundaries, but learning about each other helps to feel safer with each other in intimacy.
9.) Before Marriage Talk About Age/Maturity – WorldView – Growth mindset – Make sure the person you are with allows you to still grow as an individual. but they are also growing in themselves.
10.)Before Marriage Talk About Opposite Gender Boundaries – having open discussion of what you are okay with it and what is not.
11.) Before Marriage Talk About Social Media – you are what you consume- Daily, weekly, monthly. Subconsciously this effects you more than you think. Are you following accounts that are helping your relationship or hurting your relationship. If you are consuming half naked pictures of the opposite sex all day long is this conducive to your relationship. If you think this isn’t hurting your relationship- you are fooling yourself.
12.) Before Marriage Talk About Pornography – It has been researched that consuming pornography kills your sex drive. What does this look like when entering a relationship. Has this been a struggle in their past? What has that looked like?
13.) Before Marriage Talk About Love is not what keeps relationships going – actively committed to loving this person and choosing this person. No happily ever mindset. Happily ever after does not have trials, tribulations and the mundane of the day to day.
Written By Michelle Apples
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